yesterday i cut myself on my breasts and it bled into my bra. i carved a cross onto my stomach right above my lady part. i cut my throat a little. i watched gummo. dad took me and baby to the mall but i wasnt allowed to get anything because dad had no money. i watched The Butterfly Effect and it was a very sad movie but i liked it a lot. im very close with my cats lately especially Lucky. he is big and gray. hes very warm and affectionate. he sleeps in my bed every night and we cuddle.
i am so depressed. i always am. i keep havinhg these intrusive thoughts of hurting people or myself. like for example when Gwen is screaming i think about grabbing her and throwing her into the wall or something. i would never do that though, shes my baby sister and i love her. when the dog is barking i often fantasize about breaking her tiny skull. or when dad is screaming it upsets me a lot and i just wanna get my butterfly knife and stab him through the chest (like jodi did to travis heh). i can barely get out of bed. im always so tired. so sad. i cant stop tearing up my face and it hurts. self mutilation. i havent cut in a while but i see lots of videos of it. im gonna try to get out of bed. mom is WORKING. i always feel the most sluggish when she isnt around. dad might take us to the mall to keep the baby occupied.
grrr my head hurts. i barely got out of bed today and when i did it was only to put grbage in my body. i need to stop being like this. i feel depressed when im home alone. i wonder if grandma feels well enough to come get me. im always more motivated at her clean, bright house. it is such a lovely and safe environment compared to pee house. grandma makes me healthy meals and we eat them together at the table. might try to take a nap and then watch some motivational videos on how to enjoy living again. i wonder what mama will make for dinner tonight. i really need to get my eating together. i need to stop doing these proana crash diets and binge eating. i feel horrible. i need a healthy way to lose weight. my weight is my biggest enemy. i start school sometime in september i think, im not very confident that it will be in person though. i am going to a new school though, what L and A did to me last year traumatized me. tomorrow is the first day of august right? im gonna try to work on eating better. yesterday was HORRIBLE. i starved and exercised all day and then i got a stomachache from hunger. i wanted to eat, binge eat , but there was no food in the house. and i kept thinking "don't eat, ashton kutcher hates fat girls" but it was just making me so sad and i had my mom bring me home mcdonalds. so i ate it for comfort. binge eating is like a warm mommy for me. my mama is warm too, but since my baby sister was born i struggle to stay close with her. there are things i am interested in that i think i could turn into a passion. like space. maybe instead of binge eating i could study the history of nasa.
well, mom didn't bring this computer back t her workplace! more internet for peegirl. grandma couldn't pick me up yesterday because her knee hurt too bad to drive. this morning i woke up feeling lazy BUT i put on shorts, fuzzy socks, deodarant, brushed my teeth, and put on my spf im supposed to we4ar. now im sitting at the kitchen table waiting for my water bottle to get cold so i can take my medicine. i think i may take this computer back up to my room in a minute and make my bed. since im home alone with nothing to do i think i will watch But I'm a Cheerleader today. oh yeah and there is no food because our neighbor who is also my dad's worst enemy slashed our tire so we cant go grocery store. the bed bugs are super duper itchy especially on the sofa. i tell mila about it and she said she wanted to invite me into her house to shower nd wear her old clothes. that made me feel fuzzy inside.
ive had such an interest in girls lately. i think i may have a crush. i want to practice kissing with her. my mom is taking this computer back to her workplace Tuesday so i may not be as active. i still have computer access at my grandma's house and public library. i'm leaving for my grandma's tomorrow, so i'm excited. i'm trying to rebuild a relationship with food after disordered eating habits. i've been counting calories 2 days in a row now and i'm not eating as much as i'd like to. i told myself i would eat at least 800 calories a day but i struggle to eat more than 600. its mostly because i get busy during the day and can't eat lunch i think. im trying to find exercise i enjoy. ive been getting headaches lately, but other than that im perfectly fine. im going to my grandma's tomorrow where i feel safer. im slowly feeling a bit more comfortable at home or have just gotten better at coping. we are going to try and move houses eventually so i wont be in pee house forever. i think im going to watch 'But I'm a Cheerleader' soon. i could do it now, but youtube on this computer is glitchy. i would go watch it on the tv but then i'd have to watch it with mom and i think there's a sex scene in it. so i'll just wait until later tonight for maybe when everyone is asleep.
i decided not to hitchike to ohio because i fell down the stairs and hurt my foot i think travis alexanders ghost PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIR
my plan is getting realer and it's both exciting and terrifying. i barely slept last night because i was so excited. all i need is to figure out a ride and i will be fine.
i think i am going to venture out on my own in a few days. i dont know how to describe my current living situation. its not fair for me to say im not in a safe home. some children's parents beat them, or they dont have beds. my situation isnt nearly as bad as that. but i do feel uncomfortable here. my p arents, especially my dad, gets angry easily. i feel constantly on edge around them and often choose not to speak or leave my bedroom. but now things are bothering me too much. we have no car. baby is always crying and the dog barks very loud. the bed bugs are everywhere and im itchy. dad is yelling. i feel unsafe here. im waiting for something to happen, something to justify me leaving. i think i have a valid reason, don't i? i don't think i do. but im very optimistic about this. im going on a long trip, but i will go somewhere safe with someone i love. i won't stay forever of course, it'll just be a little sleepover until i want to come home. i do have fears. it will be a 42 hour walk. i may try to hitchhike. im afraid of being raped. but i'll keep a knife on me. mom took my purple switchblade but i have a butterfly knife i could take.
i rode in an ambulence last night. i had just gotten home from a 12 hour drive home from vacation. it was stressful, and i realized i barely enjoyed the trip. then i couldn't stop thinking about how hard it is to be happy anymore. as soon as we got into the house i took 80mg of prozac. now, that's obviously not enough to kill me. nut it was reaching 10pm, i needed to wash the bed bugs out of my sheets before i went to bed, and i was sad. so right after i tookthe pills i called lifeline. they sent an ambulence to my house. my parents were angry. a police officer helped me in the back of the ambulence and made me feel better. the pills put me in a trancelike state. my body felt heavy and also like i was floating. i came home at 3am. everything is ok now
i am crying right now because of my mom. i was going to go to drive Pittsburgh with my grandma so we could pick up my aunt from the airport. but my mom cancelled my plans without even telling me and now i have to stay in pee house until saturday. im so sad and angry. im going on a hunger strike now and not leaving my room. i am so extremely angry you have no idea. this is the first time i've cried or felt like this at all since i've been out of school. i'm furious. and no, its not just my mommy saying i couldn't do something. this is the first real, vivid hate & sadness i've felt in MONTHS. the last time i cried was back in March when L and A were saying mean things about me when i was RIGHT directly in the desk in front of them. this rage feels so amazing. i missed this adrenaline. this thrill of plotting suicide in my school bathroom after someone kicked me just to look funny in front of their friends. those days in January where i'd listen to The Downward Spiral all day and write my suicide note. since i've been so drugged out i havent been like that in so long. when i feel depressed it ultimately turns to anger. i want everyone to feel as bad as i do. i want to take it out on everyone and be as dramatic and cause as much damage as i can. i do this through manipulation a lot. for instance, im not too mad about my mom cancelling my plans. however, the anger is still lingering in me and i need to get back at her to be satisfied. so, im currently hiding in my room to piss my mom off and i plan to do this until im not mad anymore.
i hate vince kentucky because he is mean to girls
today peegirl woke up wanted to kill myself wanted to make brownies but was out of eggs so watched Superbad with dad (who was passed out on the couch) and not even brush my teeth today
we finally found Lucky last night i am so happy he is home
my friend B who's older brother is a drug dealer and lives in my neighborhood is in Seattle for some reason so i guess no drugs for peegirl. Lucky is still missing. stray cat thinks we're his new owners apparently so he killed a baby rabbit and put it in our yard. i go outside a lot so i had to stare at it for a while. dad and i buried it under a tree. after dinner i walked around looking for my cat and thoughts of suicide started clouding my mind for no apparent reason. i walked to the top of this balcony of a vacant community center and looked down at my neighborhood. i pictured being brutally murdered and my rotting body being found under a tree in the park.
i spent a lot of time outside playing with my sister in her baby pool today. i started my prozac 40mg today. i had lows throughout the day but it was overall good. i hung out with my mom a lot. she helped me put this acne serum on my back and read Vogue together.
upset. one of my cat's has been missing since Wednsday i think fireworks freaked him out. he's so warm and big. my othr cat Frankie is all bony. i've had Lucky since i was 7 years old. a stray cat has been lurking around my house for about 3 months now and probably pissed Lucky off. stray cat is fucking skinny and bumpy and has it's tail ripped off. mom says we'll take stray cat in if we can't find Lucky. NO. he scared away my precious kitty cat. he will NEVER be nearly as good as Lucky. tomorrow's the fourth and i doubt i'm doing shit. dad and me were gonna get fireworks but prolly wont because THERES NO GODDAMN PRIVATE PLACE IN MORGANTOWN WE CAN SET THEM OFF IN. i don't know if i should even be celebrating this country, since its so racist and all or whatever the fuck. if america is so goddamn racist how come nearly every city in america is protesting for black lives matter????? what fucking ever. i feel so much white american guilt i wont even pretend to be some high and mighty free thinker. i'm a pussy whose too terrified to speak my own beliefs. unfollow my site. im a bad bad little girl. and im thinkin about killing myself again it might be cause i ran out of my 10mg prozac capsules. might ask to go on 40mg just because it's more convienient than 30. talked to some fucker a few days ago who told me that men dont love women. was really pissed. barely ever been interested in drugs or casual sex, i couldve done all that and been dead by now. i want to fall in love and have a husband and make babies. THATS IT. thats the only thing preventing my suicide. but men dont feel romantic feelings? fine. cocksuckers. ive never been good enough for boys. im always too pretty or too ugly. sorry i look like white Tyra Banks with cystic acne. i apoligize that i have huge milky tits but no ass, since you like slutty girls with giant asses right? im just gonna have to realize that im never gonna find a Johnny Utah because love isnt real. the only thing stopping me from slashing my throat right now is my online friends. us girls joke that we're gonna be a lesbian throuple and overdose on heroin together. thinking about actually doing morphine, i'm friends with a dude who can hook me up with oxycodone for free. i do live in West Virginia, so it's kind of my destiny.
this morning i put on my new dress that makes me look like tradwife wojak. i walked downtown to the library my mom works at. i put a knife in the belt of my dress on the walk downtown so i wouldn't get mugged or raped or killed. now im on the library's computer. neocities looks super cool squished onto this little monitor.
at last, i have returned from my grandma's house! now i can get back to sitting in my bed and watching strange youtube videos on a stolen laptop. i watched a lot of Little House on The Prairie at grandma's. i want to have a life like the Ingalls. i want to marry a man like Charles Ingalls and have children and live in rural West Virginia. while at my grandma's i helped her cook dinner every night. i played outside a lot because they live on a farm. today i was sitting in the grass and a doe came up to the gate and we looked at each other. i considered getting closer and trying to pet her, which i don't even know if you're supposed to do. but then i moved around too much and she ran. she was a beautiful deer.
this morning i woke up super motivated. i exercised while i listened to Christina Aguilera. then i ate greek yogurt for brekkie. i felt really good about myself. then i feel asleep unintentionally and woke up with a giant headache. my mom had came home from work and gotten cookies. i ate a bunch just because my blood sugar was low and i felt like it. i had pasta for dindin. i always have pasta just with salt and butter, SAUCE IS DISGUSTING. at the table my dad said he thought the second civil war was going to begin. i told him if it didbthat i was going to evaporate out of the matrix and go live with the aliens like in heavens gate. mom yelled at me.
i've had such low self confidence the past few weeks. i struggle with my eating habits and i'm very extreme with them. i feel fat and i have to wear a bikini at the beach in a month. to be honest i'm not that fat, if i just talked about this with my therapist some more i could probably resolve most of my body issues. but starving myself feels so amazing. i don't want to sound pro-anorexia "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" but anorexia always looks so glamorous to me and it's hard to get away from that. i always picture beautiful Regina George type girls having eating disorders so i guess i kind of want to be like them. and i have bad acne and dermatillomania which makes it even worse. i recently went on birth control for my skin and it works really well but i just ran out and won't be able to have it until next Sunday grrrr. my skin is already breaking out. i got a cystic pimple around my nose and it hurt so bad i got a headache and had to lay down. mom said she was planning on taking this computer back to her workplace this week. i did a bunch of chores so maybe she'd forget about it.
i am sooo obsessed with boyssss! a male friend of mine said i was hot and it made my heart go thump thump . i'm just constantly thinking about having a boyfriend and all the things we could do together. i'm so glad i'm not picky or anything about what men i find attractive, like i'll just see a guy with nice hair or a nice face in the grocery store and thump thump goes my heart! i made brownies earlier and smoked half a menthol cigarette i dug out of a garbage can. it was my first cigarette and i didn't know how to smoke it the right way so it only lasted 2 minutes and burned my finger.
my god i am so disgusting. after starving myself for 2 days i binge ate, probaby 2500 calories. i NEED to be 110 pounds before school starts or i am going to be so upset.
i am on a phone call withbmy best friends i have no other friends but these people are super cool even though some of them are nazis but its ok.
last night i had a very nice dream about keanu reeves.. my grandma bought me a mysery calico critter baby camping thing and i got a grey persian cat!! she came with a green blanket and a little sleeping bag case. i named her Kissy and i love her more than i've ever loved a toy before.
i'm at my grandma's for the week. we are planning on going on a smoothie detox tomorrow so we're going out for dinner 2nite and stuffing our faces. i hope i lose weight because i'm a shallow WHORE and obsessed with my apperance.
lately i've been channeling all of my anxiety into spontaneous actions, like walking into town and meeting with a friend. i woke up wanting to kill myself again today but eventually got up and moving and somehow got the courage and energy to message a girl a bit older than me, she lives in my town and we've met a few times at the library before. she was going to a protest so i asked her about it and i walked downtown, met up with her and joined the march. it felt good both physically and mentally. i don't know, i have this massive guilt constantly and its been even worse during everything happening right now. i felt a little less anxious during the march, just listening to what people say and being educated. but then i got home and looked at social media, seeing all the 'acab' going on. i don't know how i feel. i don't like that police officers are doing this. i don't want to think about it. and when i do i get extremely depressed. i feel naive for saying that, innocent people have been killed by the cops so a stupid little white girl wanting to die over it is really the least concern right now. i watched the matrix and realized i'd like to be 'debugged'. i'm asking my parents for a computer for my birthday in november, and then i'm going to replace my iphone with a nokia. cool, right? i'm gonna try to find a isolated lake in my grandparents' town that i can self baptize myself in.
i woke up this morning feeling really depressed and even a bit suicidal. so i texted a friend of mine B who isn't really my friend, he just goes to my school and lives close by so we hang out occasionaly. we walked downtown and got lunch from the dollar general and then ate it on a bench by the school, then we walked through the neighborhood i used to live in and i showed him the apartment i had my earliest memories in. it was cool but the walk home was brutal and my feet are blistered up.
today i went to the zoo with my parents, grandparents, and baby sister. we saw llamas, goats, monkeys, bears, wolves, leapords, tigers, lions, camels, and a giraffe. we had a good time and i went home with my parents. after dinner i showed my parents my site and they said it was cool.
i was just making brownies and thinking about how SUPERIOR the neocities community really is! like, any stupid person could create an instagram account and post some edgy shit without much effort. but we on here have to learn a skill just to change the text color! it's just nice knowing i'm part of something so..intelligent? so unique? just something most people don't know how to do. since the dissolvedgirl tradgedy of last april a lot of people from the 'TCC', or True Crime Community, have gravitated to neocities to make personal websites like Sol had. i guess that's nice because neocities is a pretty protected environment where it would be hard for people to send hate comments or whatever. i have witnessed the twitter and tumblr TCC and have seen how harsh some people can be towards others. on the other hand i feel bad for people on neocities who've been here before the dissolvedgirl situation that now have to watch TCC members roll in, "columbiners', 'murder simps', 'delusional freaks', whatever you wanna call them. i'm really not one to talk because i seriously just distanced myself from the TCC a week ago to work on my mental health, but it's overall a concerning 'fandom'. a lot of my TCC friends i met through twitter follow me on here and i really mean no offence to you guys, but it's really just kind of a suicide fanclub. everyone in it is mentally ill of course, then they all just join together and talk about death, killing, everything of the sort, and to make it all even worse there's people saying you should be bullied for it. don't get me wrong, i like to study true crime, i still crush on Andre Kriegman from the movie Zero Day which is based off of columbine, but i couldn't handle the community anymore. i valued my sanity over homicidal white boys from the 90s. anyways, my head hurts from looking at a screen so i'm logging off.
when i woke up this morning i thought i was going to throw up so i forced myself out of bed and made a cup of ginger tea then i drank it in bed. i couldn't get back to sleep and was still nauseas so i got up and had crackers for breakfast and felt better. it is funny how i got 'morning sickness' like a pregnant lady though but i am not pregnant unless i was abducted by aliens who put a baby in me and then wiped my memory haha. i went shopping with grandma and bought a pretty lipstick and a mystery calico critter baby i told myself i will open it after i do everything on my to-do list. my grandma just walked over to see me coding becuz she thinks it's cool and she saw bad words on the screen. i am humiliated.
i am upset. i feel like there is some inhuman force holding me back from.. well i don't know exactly. something holding me back from everyone else. every day i contemplate whether i am at the top of this world, godlike even, or if i'm at the very bottom with all the dirt and PISS and shit. but then i realize i'm just an average person that has bad luck making friends. last night i dreamt i was with a girl . it was comforting.
today was alright. my mom and i went out and bought flowers. now i am listening to genitortures, which is a band i hadn't heard of until 10 minutes ago but i am listening to their 'flesh is the law' album currently and it's like a mix of kmfdm and manson, pretty nice. i'm doing this from my mom's work computer since i didn't go to my grandma's (i usually use her computer.) i am having fun.