i turn 15 in 5 days. im not in school anymore, there was an incident with my one and only friend blowing me off because he got a girlfriend even though i never thought of him that way and i just got upset and wasn't making any friends and my mom already kind of wanted to homeschool me so that's what im doing now. i like it, it gives me a lot of time to mope around the house. i revisited the psych clinic iwas impatient in last September for an appointment because my therapist suggested it. i got prescribed Celexa, both of my parents have been on it a long time so its supposed to work with my genetics. i only take it like once a week cause i dont think i need medicine and i always feel fine the day i take it but cant get out of bed the next 3 days so i dont think i even wanna get dependent on it. im pretty happy and in a permanent dreamy state even though i seemingly dont have a lot i just like to collect stuffed animals and calico critters and watch movies read books do my makeup and look at boys and surround myself with happy things and i am happy. sometimes ill think about all these gaps in my life and things i dont have and ill get really upset and throw huge tantrums of cutting myself but they only happen a few times a month and im mostly happy. ive been thinking about sol a lot. i think she died out in the snow if im not mistaken. suicide is really really cold, and ive been feeling cold lately and i dont like it. i keep waking up at night and cant sleep and ill be really cold and think about bad things that happened and then i will listen to Asleep by the smiths until i fall asleep again. i have nightmares all through the night and i can wake myself up but i never get any sleep like that. when i do get to sleep soundly though i'll sleep until late morning, like 14 hours. im really obsessed with motley crue and guns n roses right now mostly motley crue i like nikki sixx the very most and tommy lee too. i like tommy and pamela anderson as a couple i think pam is so cool. im really into the 90s-2000s playmates i like anna nicole smith and ive been watching the girls next door show about the girls who live in the playboy mansion. im getting my hair bleached again on my birthday and im excited. halloween is soon and i feel like im the least excited about it and my birthday then ive ever been and its weird. today i watched the elvira movie and after dinner my dad and i went to the halloween beer store thats just like a liquor/party store and we got glow sticks there and they had a bunch of Beanie Boos that i used to collect when i was little. my dad bought me a ty disney beanie babie of dumbo and im holding it right now. then we drove home with the windows down in his big jeep and listened to the smashing pumpkins super loud and i felt so cool. i love my dad a lot. now im home wearing my big long sleeve nightgown so i dont get cold tonight and im listening to smashing pumpkins. beautiful is a really good song and i wish someone would feel that way about me. i rewatched buffalo 66 recently and i relate to layla a lot because i have really low self esteem and would probably get attatcghed to any weird guy who shows me attention no matter how awful he is. trinity is still my best friend forever, the girl interrupted style post suicide attempt bond can never be broken. im seeing her next weekend for my bday. i think im gonna go brush my hair now. im so full of love
i started high school last Tuesday. it isn't pleasant, getting up at 5am and having to do work but i survived my first week. that girl from my school i was so mad at last summer, i made up with her and we're friendly now. sometimes i get worried people are gonna find this site, and that maybe i should delete some things off it but i know i could never do that. i'd probably get in tons of trouble if my principal were to go through this site or something, but i don't care, i must leave this site as raw and embarrassing as you could imagine. i'll be 15 soon, which is fun. my suicide attempt anniversary is on the 5th, Trin's is the 1st. i watched the movie The Crow recently and loved it. i honestly just logged on here to put some blinkies of it up!
this has been an active site for over a year now, which is weird to think of. around this time last year i had some tantrum and took pills and had to stay in the hospital overnight. then less than 2 months later i attempted suicide, so i'd say July-September of 2020 was the worst period of my life. so much has changed since then. i'm not friends with the same people as a year ago, i'm upset over completely different things, i'm completely unmedicated, i have blonde hair and choppy Lisa Rowe bangs, i have a strange scar on my thigh, i've done very crazy and concerning things i can't go into detail about, i even made amends and befriended the person i fought with the night before my suicide attempt, and i'm generally content with my life. sometimes i think it's because i truly died back on September 5th, nothing has seemed to scare or affect me since then. i still have bad thoughts, i cut myself for fun often. i don't think i'll ever outgrow whatever this thing is. there's always something in me that feels i'll be some crazy legend, that i'm way more important than i am, that i'll die young under mysterious circumstances and have people obsessed with me. whether that's true or not, this site documented me and my life during one of the worst parts of it and i'm forever grateful that i made it. i've said embarassing things on here but i regret none of it, i vow to never delete any diary entries on here. i'm so happy with myself and this site and all the great friends i've made during it. i will always be peegirl.
oh, it's 4/20.. how appropriate. i haven't posted on here in over a month. this is a dead, sucky site and i don't have much motivation to add onto it further. i'm different than who i was at the peak of my site. it's crazy to think back in early-mid 2020 when i was actively trying trying to kill myself, waking up every morning and searching for new suicide methods. i look back and laugh on it all now, i can't even think of any reason i was sad. today, i can't even imagine not wanting to live. i still feel depressed or angry about certain things, but only if i'm left alone to dwell on them. in the past year, i've endured much worse traumas and losses of friends and handled them a lot better. now, i have one truly amazing friend who i believe to be my twin flame, and we are preparing to have an amazing summer together. this site will always hold a special place in my heart as one of my greatest little achievements.
i am falling away again, drafting suicide notes. except i know it will go unnoticed now, nobody will even think to care. no one ever does.
i feel so empty. things will never be the same.
i cant sleep. i went and stayed with Trinity for 2 nights and returned on Tuesday, it was fun. i feel like all of my friends are slipping away from me and im so alone. its weird, i really do prefer being alone. i hate affection or physical touch, im starting to think i might be asexual or one of those people who don't feel romantic or sexual attraction. i think my mom is still stalking this site, so i cant go in detail but im not doing well. i hate myself but i want to be beautiful. i want to dedicate my life to plastic surgery, fake eyelashes and platform shoes. i only live for myself anymore. i cant believe myself, my life. i cant even listen to korn anymore bcuz one of their songs came on in his car. fuck you. i cant live like this, i cannot and i will not. i mutilate my gentitals with sewing needles and i enjoy it. i hate my life. only i exist for myself. goodnight.
i will hopefully go see Trin tomorrow. my life has been sort of empty lately, or at least it feels that way after all the excitement of the Jersey trip. i have an intuition though, that my social life is about to get more interesting. probably this summer hopefully, or if not then hopefully when i start high school this fall. i hope covid is over by then, and i can go in person. i think my life will get better, i really hope so.
it is unthoughtful for parents to have another child when their first one is over 12 and and was previously an only child. it is cruel to both children. as you can tell, i am especially despising my 2 year old sister tonight... i've been more 'evil' lately, i don't know what to call it but evil is a funny word. you know, the average angry rage against the machine anarchist teen gothy type o negative suicide romanticizer. it's fun. i'm reading books a lot lately. i'm currently reading To Kill a Mockingbird for school, and today i just finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower. i really enjoyed it, and will probably watch the movie later if my parents are in a decent mood. Charlie and Patrick (or really any of his friendships with the seniors but specifically Patrick) remind me of Bridget and me. now that I've finished that, i checked out the books Interview With The Vampire and Warm Bodies. Warm Bodies was made into a movie with Tony from Skins. i'm not sure which book i'll read first. i really wanted to read The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis (who also wrote the American Psycho book) because i watched the movie a few weeks ago and loved it a lot, but there's no libraries in my area that carry it so I'll have to ask for it for my birthday or something. i highly reccomend the movie though, its really funny but emotional. i often compare it to Pineapple Express turned Perks of Being a Wallflower. really, all I care about anymore are movies, books, tv, clothes, makeup etc. maybe 2 people, who are Trinity and Bridget. i always said i wanted to live to have a boyfriend, get married have a baby and stuff but none of that appeals to me any longer. i got my ounce of male attention, from a few different guys thinking something could change but nothing ever did. as of right now, i really hate the opposite sex. so, if i only have 2 friends and don't want a boyfriend, why am i living? to tell you the truth, i'm truly living to buy these pink jelly platform flip flops i've been eyeing for months. those shoes, and any other material item. and films.
almost instantly after my last entry, things got better.. i am a god and i will manifest anything i choose.. i believe there is something inside of me giving me what i want
im cutting myself again. i don't even cut deep, i never have. i wouldn't even call it cutting, i just razor burn myself until i see blood. i am not happy anymore. a bunch of people like me and care for me but there's only one i truly care about and i know her feelings towards me are fading. i do not resent her at all, she's just grown up and found better things to do with her life than babysit me. i just don't know what to do with my life anymore and i really hate to turn to smoking. both of them left but one hurt so much worse than the other. i don't want to restrain her but i truly have no one else and it's cold without her here. i don't know what to do. i don't i don't and i can't. the value of sisterhood and female friendships has been erased in this generation and no matter how hard anyone tries, romantic relationships will never replace that. i think that's why everyone, especially young women, are so fucked up nowadays. i cry too easily now. there is something demonic happening in my body, i'm growing teeth..
i have so much to talk about. i just watched the movie Bully 2001 and i have this gut wrenching feeling in my heart, it's such a great movie. it gives the same disgusting, hopeless feeling as Megan is Missing, except there's not really any gore or physical horror so it relies just on the plot and dialogue which makes it sooooo amazing. i'd also compare it to the ending scene of Thirteen maybe. it's just a really great movie, i'm shaking. i also watched Freeway 1996 last night and holllyy shit it's so good. it has Reese Witherspoon, that one guy who played Ace the bully in Stand by Me who was also in Lost Boys, Honey Bunny from Pulp Fiction, Brooke Sheilds, and Brittany Murphy. it's about Vanessa (Reese Witherspoon) whose mom is a drug addicted prostitute and her stepdad molests her and then her mom goes to jail for like the millionth time so she runs away from home before she can be put in foster care. so she's using her mom's car or something but breaks down on the freeway, and this older guy Bob (Lost Boys guy) picks her up and he's got on glasses and a real professional guy outfit on and he tells her he's a therapist or something and lets her dump all her problems onto him. and so then when shes talking about her sexual trauma he starts acting all creepy and she realizes he's this serial killer she's heard about who kills people he picks up on the freeway. and then he won't let her go and has a knife to her throat and shit BUT THEN she pulls out this gun her boyfriend gave her before she ran away and shoots him like 4 times and takes off. BUT THEN it turns out Bob lives and Vanessa goes to jail and shit, i don't wanna spoil it but it's kind of a modern white trash take on The Little Red Riding Hood and its amazing. in case you couldn't tell, i really love movies. not big motion pictures though, only weird disturbing indie movies. i've also been super unhealthily obsessed with Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel. there's this one character Drusilla who's a vampire and is like unnaturally insane and has this really sad backstory. she was a devout Catholic in the 1800s who had psychic powers and hated herself for it because she thought it was demonic. and Angelus and Darla stalked her and murdered her whole family, then killed her priest and pretended to be him in the confession booth to get closer to her. then after a while Angelus began psychologically and physically torturing her until turning her into a vampire. so then she held on to the insanity and mental illness she had as a human in her vampire life, which makes her like twice as weird and evil as the other vampires. she's so underrated, i can't help but tell everyone about her. i also like the 'normal' characters on BTVS, like Buffy Willow and Xander. when i watch the show i feel like they're my real friends. speaking of friends, i really miss mine. i feel guilty for going crazy and shutting them out and shit. i forgot i can be so unstable and make bad decisions off of my meds. but i think i'm getting better, i think im easing out of withdrawals and i'm in the euphoric phase now. i want to go back on instagram and try to make things right but i feel like i fucked up and they're mad at me, i don't blame them. i do this suicidal breakdown shit like every week and they always put up with it, i'm so grateful for that. but i don't know, i just have this sinking feeling i really fucked up now. i don't know what to do though, they're my best and only friends. i have never really felt lonely or had the desire to make more friends ever since i met them. they make me feel whole. in the worst case i can't get them back, i probably won't try to make new friends. iv'e never been too interested in platonic frienships. i feel like i'm reaching the age and approacing adulthood where i'll probably be marrying or something in 4-5 years, and i don't really want to have friends outside of that. but what i have with Brooke and Bridget is so much more, they're not like any silly middle school friendship they're like sisters. i've never met anyone like them, that are so similar to me. and i really want them back
i am almost certain i am going to kill myself. i no longer have any friends or source of joy to prevent me from committing suicide. my parents are always on my ass about school. i've been away from school for so long now that i can barely think and it's impossible to do school work. im surprised i didn't get held back last year, and i probably will this year. the world does not care about you as a person, they only care what you can produce and i can't do anything. when i went off my antidepressant i told myself that if i started to feel suicidal again then so be it. if a person cannot function off of a drug then it means they were probably meant to die.
i have basically been mute the past 5 days, trying to avoid speaking to my parents as much as i can. they don't know what's happening, because nothing is happening. i dont know how to explain myself. i dont know how to explain to my friends why im doing this. my mind is just telling me to cut everyone off for the better and i pretty much have. but i dont know why. i don't want to kill myself, but im going through all the motions to make my life shitty so i feel like i might as well die. i dont know why i'm doing this, i really dont. i know a world without Bridget would really suck but my gut feeling is saying that none of these people really like me and that i 'need' to do this. i dont want to talk to people anymore, i don't know why or how. how do i explain this, i can't without fucking everything up. i think the best option here is to cut everyone off and hope for some courage to committ suicide, that's what my gut says is best and i don't have any other option. i don't know. i don't know why.
i know im being a big baby and it doesnt even affect me but it hurts. and feel afraid and gross everytime i remember it. but nobody cares, not even my own mother. because its so stupid and miniscule and its pissing everyone off.
and each time i notice the spit in my mouth i gag now. im out of bandaids and the wound isn't healing. it never will.
i feel so horrible inside and out. my body is killing itself. i think God is putting me through this physical and emotional pain and making me purge my sins. i am hemorrhaging between my legs, a cruel reminder of my growing up too fast and that my womb will be empty for years to come. at times i will get angry and believe that God made me to suffer. i don't think god hates me though. i sometimes feel as if my life is some biblical tale, about a girl so ugly and disliked that her heart just shatters and she dies. i don't understand Him, i know He loves me but why is my life just endless suffering where i constantly feel as if i'm the worst and ugliest person to walk this Earth. i use ugly as a general term for bad. i feel like in a lot of situations i get portrayed as being evil or something, it's just a more mature version of being disciplined and shamed for being a bad girl. except i cannot be redeemed like a child would. i will never forget what happened. this memory has been permanently engraved into my skin for me to suffer as long as i live. with this, i feel like suicide is the best and most relieving option. i would be immortalized and remembered as some sweet girl bullied into killing herself. but i choose the harder and longer route. i would rather live these awful years being called an evil bitch behind my back, to grow up and marry and live a joyous life. i cannot blame God for all of my problems. He may be making me go through these awful experiences for a reason, His son was cut down by His enemies like I was. i know that He loves me and is my Savior, i must trust him with my life.
As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.
"As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick me.
I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again.
No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill.
As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."
things are a bit better now. we made up with Brooke but she is ignoring us and i feel like she's hiding something. Bridget and I's friendship has grown a million times stronger though. her birthday was yesterday. i woke up at about 5am this morning and was randomly suicidal which carried on throughout the whole day. i have been vegan for about a week now and try to exercise about 3x a week but i don't know how long it'll take for results to show. i think i'm doing the wrong type of exercise, the kind that bulks me up rather than burning fat. i swear, i'll do anything to lose weight at this point. i need to have a gap between my thighs, losing weight has been my dream for as long i remember.. people can try and encourage body positivity, but there is something rooted in every girl's mind that says "SKINNY IS GOD". all i want is to be as or more thin and beautiful than all the girls who have ever made me feel bad about myself or fucked me over. on a lighter note, i am going back to in person school for the first time since March on Thursday. thankfully, it's a totally new school than the one i had all those horrible experiences at last year. i hope i can build up a new reputation. maybe even be popular, as the quirky indie tiktok hello kitty girl whose good at makeup. i must say, my style will probably impress the feeble minded conformists at school... at least it's better than the gross bloody pimple faced crazed columbiner reputation i held at my last school.
thense last few days have been insane. we had a lot of fun. but then a boy got in the way of things and things are very messy i am suicidal. i am stuck at Bridget's house for the time being, i will be picked up by my dad and grandma tomorrow afternoon. Brooke already left, and frankly i didn't want to ride home with her.
im staying up all night waiting to meet Brooke. she was gonna come yesterday, but there was a big snowstorm where she lived so she left at 10ish this morning, she is getting stuck in traffic, and i feel really squirly, so even if she doesn't get into Pennsylvania until 5am tomorrow im still just staying awake to know where she is and stuff. im listening to Ayesha Erotica for the first time because my friends all do. i like her.
i got this laptop for Christmas. i am excited to see Brooke tomorrow, even if it is at 3am. this trip will be epic. i have been thinking about Sol Pais a lot lately, my best friend Bridget was close friends with her before she passed. Bridget wrote this on her site recently, and it resonated with me, i thought i should share it here.
i have had a 2 day long very painful headache that nothing seems to stop. my dad says it's because im fat, and my mom says its because im on my phone too much. im excited for Christmas, but a little nervous. i went through a very short lived phase where i was obsessed with Sylvia Plath and vintage things, so i asked my mom for those types of clothes. but then i just recently watched the movie Thirteen (finally! it took me forever) and now i want to dress like the girls from that movie, like a cringey emo y2k look. sigh. it's difficult being so easily influenced by movies and books. but a few days after Christmas i'm doing something very exciting! so, my close friend Brooke was going to fly from Wisconsin to New Jersey where our other best friend, Bridget 'puppy' lives. but Brooke's mom didn't want to send her on a plane, so instead they are going to drive a very long ways to Philadelphia (an hour from Bridget's house) and her mom will get an Airbnb there while Brooke is in New Jersey. and, they are going to pick me up on their way! i am so excited to meet my two bestest friends, we are going to do so many fun things together. i dont know what to do with this site, i feel like im not the same person as i was when i made this and i feel sad. i dont feel like im myself anymore, not since ive been in the hospital. im desperately trying to be the way i used to, so im gonna upload some new blinkies today.
my best friend Mila decided she hated me a few weeks ago. i was very upset but got over it very fast. she no longer exists in my world, nothing i don't want to exist does. i feel like im just floating here. i have no sense of personality, i feel like i was run out of all of my passions. im upset.im upset. i watched the movie Se7en a few days ago and i loved it. I read The Bell Jar and also loved it, now i'm reading Twilight Eclipse. i dont feel like i even have the headspace to be sad anymore, im just in a dream.
i am on the public library computer once again. my birthday a few days ago was pretty good. i just feel that it's hard to enjoy things anymore, i feel like im not completely here. like this is not my reality, i barely eat anymore or put much effort into my appearance. sometimes i think i truly died on September 5th, and this is just my physical self continuing. on a lighter topic, i got My Own Private Idaho on DVD for my birthday. i watched it last night and I love it so much, it's an indie 'artsy' film that reminds me of the movie Buffalo '66. it stars Keanu Reeves and River Pheonix. River Pheonix, the only other film i'd ever seen him in was Stand by Me, but i watch interviews of him often and he seemed like a beautiful soul. the characters from My Own Private Idaho remind me a lot of my friend Mila and I, our friendship goes way back and we have a very close (heterosexual) relationship. i would add some new films i've watched to my cinema tab, but i'd have to search the whole web for graphics for these strange indie films i like and it would take too much work. i've been interested in reading a lot nowadays. i just finished New Moon from the Twilight Saga about a week ago, then I watched the movie and i really love it. Jacob is my favorite character, I like his hair in the first half of the movie and his personality in the book is cute. Twilight and vampires in general are my current obsessions, you all know about my love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. currently i am reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. i think im happy right now, just feeling empty.
my mother has been stalking this site, so I think this may be the end of my free speaking. i barely go on here anymore anyways because of scarce computer access, and mostly because i do not have the energy to code. i might still talk about my interests on here but you will not see any diary entries, i'm too scared to vent on here. i will not delete this tab though, because it's a ood addition to my site and it would feel empty otherwise. well, my birthday is in 10 days. i hope i get a few nice things, and if not then some money to buy myself something. i'm going to a Halloween party with a new friend of mine, we have everything in common. my biggest concern right now is convincing my dad to buy me hair bleach, and then convincing my mom to help me put blonde streaks in my hair before the party on Saturday. it's short notice so i can't really get a costume together, i was originally going to be Ginger from the movie Ginger Snaps. i've decided instead to beg and hope and pray i get to bleach streaks in my hair tomorrow, wear my normal clothes, normal makeup, some fingerless elbow-length fishnet gloves, platform boots, and blue eyeliner on my face to look like i have chicken pox. maybe if i had more time my friend and i would dress as 80s style club kids from my favorite movie Party Monster. oh well. I got my flu shot yesterday and it hurts. also my doctor is going to put me on some antibiotic thing for my acne. humph. i have a good group of friends though. i have been obsessed wih the tv show Friday Night Lights, which i know sounds crazy for me since it's about football players but it's very entertaining and i like the cast (Taylor Kitsch :) i'm still unhealthily obsessed with the Waco Seige victims. i get overly emotional about them and piss of my parents. but i think im okay.
my birthday is exactly 1 month away from today. i am NOT excited for it. mila cant come over and my birthday never works out the way i want it to because my parents dont have enough money.
hello world! i went to Chestnut Ridge again for attempted suicide. i am ok now. i went to the mall yesterday and bought lipgloss and a thong underwear from Victorias Secret. i am not allowed to have my cellphone anymore because someone told me to kill myself on instagram but im ok with not having a phone anymore im very happy.
when i die in a few years my parents better know to bury me with my Secret of Nimh VHS tape. i have had it since i was 2 and it is my most valued possession.
my love for David Koresh increases everyday. i used to just think he was handsome and joke about wanting to marry him but my love has progressed so much farther than that. i want to be a Christian so badly but my parents never taught me anything and i feel like im too old to learn now. my life is so painfully absent of spirituality. i feel like a lost cause. i bet its so warm and peaceful at mount carmel. i made a promise to myself: i will not commit suicide until i have traveled and seen Waco.
hello. i was just crying. im not completely sure why, i never know why im sad. i just got my blade and dabbled in the captain hack suicide method. i cut a tiny slit at the place where your hand ends and becomes your wrist. a decent amount of blood came out for such a small cut and it freaked me out so i stopped and put a bandaid over it just to be safe. slashing my wrists has always been my dream, but it seems very unrealistic and im sqeamish. when i die i am going to ovrdose on pills and then tie a plastc bag over my head.
i am getting sick. my throat hurts and im sneezing and have a headache. my birthday is in 69 days.
i got home from my trip today it was alright. on thursday we went to the mall but i was in a bad mood so we left before i bought or really looked at anything. then i got home and regret it ad wanted to go back so my grandma told me we could go before we left this morning. but then this morning my grandma knee hurt so she couldnt walk around the mall and would not take me so i cried. also my grandma wouldnt give me money and wanted to approve anything i wanted so i probably wouldnt have been able to get anything anyways. material items rarely satisfy me anymore.
i am going on a special trip tomorrow with my grandma we are going to stay in a fancy house and there is a very cool mall close by. i have not thrownup in 2 days. i am eating unhealthy and feel guilty but i reaize Layla from Buffalo 66 has the same body type as me and is super cute so i no feel bad about myself as much
SO ANGRY. SO SAD. im eating too much and i vomit up everything i eat i hate myself im so fat and disgusting. im so suicidal. theres very few things keeping me alive. there is only one person i really love and would want to live for but i know she thinks im annoying and doesnt like me nearly as much as i do her. i hate people who try to be friends with me and act like they like me because THEY DONT. STOP PRETENDING. i hate myself i hate this body i am trapped in i am going to starve it and purge it of it's sins. i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself. i hate my dad too he doesnt even love me or think of me as a person he just sees me as a statistic. "oh you want to kill yourself? well statistics say a lot of teenage girls are suicidal lately, so youre not special." i hatwe him and hiow he ignores mwe so selfidsh. i hatwe my therapist even more so much hate hate hate
sooo tired from vomiting. so tired all the time i barely have the energy to type this entry.
i am so so sad about what the feds did to Davie and Rachel and Michele and Tibbs and Serenity and Cyrus and the other 104 people i think i might cry
been off prozac 1 week now feel so good butmommymad at me. at grandmas now i like it here. David makes me so happy just seeing pictures of him makes my heart thump. he makes me feel the total opposite of suicidal like i could live forever and ever. i want to go to Waco so badly i bet its so warm and peaceful there.
i feel so sad right now i dont know why things upset me so easily. i am so hungry but all im allowing myself to eat is veggies. i wish i had cookies right now so i can eat and throw them up. i dreamt about Davie last night and when I turn 18 I hope I can go to Mount Carmel. i am going to grandmas tomorrow so i will probably purge hen. gwen so loud i hate her. mommy and daddy tpook my toys without asking and gave to her. she tried to throw my littlest pets dowen the vent and she puked all over my white kitty and stole my matchging puppy and kitty that grandma got me for my birthday and slobbered all over it edverything is hers now i hate it. i resent her so badly my parents dont look at me anymore and we have to spend so much money on her we are alwatys poor. dad and i argued all day he doesnt like how Davie comforts me hes trying to take everything awaty. im gonna go off my birth control because i read it makesu sad and i hate taking medicine. i feel so small i hate my life i still have pictures of L laying around and they make me so angry. since ive been off my antidepressant ive had this weird tingly restless feeling in my body that i havent felt since i was a baby.
day 3 without prozac: i feel on top of the world. this is the best ive felt in a while. the only problem is i get sad at night. at 7pm ive made the habit to listen to Creed in my bedroom and geek out here on neocities. im super excited for my birthday i told my mom i want an icecream cake with a frog on it. mila is hopefully coming to stay for my birthday. i love Frankie a lot she is on my bed next to me currently. she doesnt like to sit on my lap or let me ppick her up so i have to admire her from a distance but she is very cute. i think i may try to astrally project sometime. i was looking at old photo albums from when i was a baby and teared up but i dont know why.
today was my second day secretly quitting my prozac and i feel great!!!! i ate 12 nutrigrain bars and then made myself throw them up so i can be skinny for ashton kutcher. i looked at clothes online because i need a new pair of jeansd i also found a super cute cat collar for Frankie that im gonna ask for my birthday. my birthday is in 87 days i am so excited. im gonna ask for lots of makeup and those visa gift card thingies so i can buy thing online on my own. i hope i get lots of money and that the stores are open so i can go to victorias secret and buy my very first ever thong or maybe i will shoplift it it depoends. i want it to get dark out soon so i can do my skincare and go sleepytime because i like to sleep but it is only 5 o'clock i am listening to britney spears
as of the moment, i have a headache. these last few days have been strange. i feel distant from my family.
yesterday i cut myself on my breasts and it bled into my bra. i carved a cross onto my stomach right above my lady part. i cut my throat a little. i watched gummo. dad took me and baby to the mall but i wasnt allowed to get anything because dad had no money. i watched The Butterfly Effect and it was a very sad movie but i liked it a lot. im very close with my cats lately especially Lucky. he is big and gray. hes very warm and affectionate. he sleeps in my bed every night and we cuddle.
i am so depressed. i always am. i keep havinhg these intrusive thoughts of hurting people or myself. like for example when Gwen is screaming i think about grabbing her and throwing her into the wall or something. i would never do that though, shes my baby sister and i love her. when the dog is barking i often fantasize about breaking her tiny skull. or when dad is screaming it upsets me a lot and i just wanna get my butterfly knife and stab him through the chest (like jodi did to travis heh). i can barely get out of bed. im always so tired. so sad. i cant stop tearing up my face and it hurts. self mutilation. i havent cut in a while but i see lots of videos of it. im gonna try to get out of bed. mom is WORKING. i always feel the most sluggish when she isnt around. dad might take us to the mall to keep the baby occupied.
grrr my head hurts. i barely got out of bed today and when i did it was only to put grbage in my body. i need to stop being like this. i feel depressed when im home alone. i wonder if grandma feels well enough to come get me. im always more motivated at her clean, bright house. it is such a lovely and safe environment compared to pee house. grandma makes me healthy meals and we eat them together at the table. might try to take a nap and then watch some motivational videos on how to enjoy living again. i wonder what mama will make for dinner tonight. i really need to get my eating together. i need to stop doing these proana crash diets and binge eating. i feel horrible. i need a healthy way to lose weight. my weight is my biggest enemy. i start school sometime in september i think, im not very confident that it will be in person though. i am going to a new school though, what L and A did to me last year traumatized me. tomorrow is the first day of august right? im gonna try to work on eating better. yesterday was HORRIBLE. i starved and exercised all day and then i got a stomachache from hunger. i wanted to eat, binge eat , but there was no food in the house. and i kept thinking "don't eat, ashton kutcher hates fat girls" but it was just making me so sad and i had my mom bring me home mcdonalds. so i ate it for comfort. binge eating is like a warm mommy for me. my mama is warm too, but since my baby sister was born i struggle to stay close with her. there are things i am interested in that i think i could turn into a passion. like space. maybe instead of binge eating i could study the history of nasa.
well, mom didn't bring this computer back t her workplace! more internet for peegirl. grandma couldn't pick me up yesterday because her knee hurt too bad to drive. this morning i woke up feeling lazy BUT i put on shorts, fuzzy socks, deodarant, brushed my teeth, and put on my spf im supposed to we4ar. now im sitting at the kitchen table waiting for my water bottle to get cold so i can take my medicine. i think i may take this computer back up to my room in a minute and make my bed. since im home alone with nothing to do i think i will watch But I'm a Cheerleader today. oh yeah and there is no food because our neighbor who is also my dad's worst enemy slashed our tire so we cant go grocery store. the bed bugs are super duper itchy especially on the sofa. i tell mila about it and she said she wanted to invite me into her house to shower nd wear her old clothes. that made me feel fuzzy inside.
ive had such an interest in girls lately. i think i may have a crush. i want to practice kissing with her. my mom is taking this computer back to her workplace Tuesday so i may not be as active. i still have computer access at my grandma's house and public library. i'm leaving for my grandma's tomorrow, so i'm excited. i'm trying to rebuild a relationship with food after disordered eating habits. i've been counting calories 2 days in a row now and i'm not eating as much as i'd like to. i told myself i would eat at least 800 calories a day but i struggle to eat more than 600. its mostly because i get busy during the day and can't eat lunch i think. im trying to find exercise i enjoy. ive been getting headaches lately, but other than that im perfectly fine. im going to my grandma's tomorrow where i feel safer. im slowly feeling a bit more comfortable at home or have just gotten better at coping. we are going to try and move houses eventually so i wont be in pee house forever. i think im going to watch 'But I'm a Cheerleader' soon. i could do it now, but youtube on this computer is glitchy. i would go watch it on the tv but then i'd have to watch it with mom and i think there's a sex scene in it. so i'll just wait until later tonight for maybe when everyone is asleep.
i decided not to hitchike to ohio because i fell down the stairs and hurt my foot i think travis alexanders ghost PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIR
my plan is getting realer and it's both exciting and terrifying. i barely slept last night because i was so excited. all i need is to figure out a ride and i will be fine.
i think i am going to venture out on my own in a few days. i dont know how to describe my current living situation. its not fair for me to say im not in a safe home. some children's parents beat them, or they dont have beds. my situation isnt nearly as bad as that. but i do feel uncomfortable here. my p arents, especially my dad, gets angry easily. i feel constantly on edge around them and often choose not to speak or leave my bedroom. but now things are bothering me too much. we have no car. baby is always crying and the dog barks very loud. the bed bugs are everywhere and im itchy. dad is yelling. i feel unsafe here. im waiting for something to happen, something to justify me leaving. i think i have a valid reason, don't i? i don't think i do. but im very optimistic about this. im going on a long trip, but i will go somewhere safe with someone i love. i won't stay forever of course, it'll just be a little sleepover until i want to come home. i do have fears. it will be a 42 hour walk. i may try to hitchhike. im afraid of being raped. but i'll keep a knife on me. mom took my purple switchblade but i have a butterfly knife i could take.
i rode in an ambulence last night. i had just gotten home from a 12 hour drive home from vacation. it was stressful, and i realized i barely enjoyed the trip. then i couldn't stop thinking about how hard it is to be happy anymore. as soon as we got into the house i took 80mg of prozac. now, that's obviously not enough to kill me. nut it was reaching 10pm, i needed to wash the bed bugs out of my sheets before i went to bed, and i was sad. so right after i tookthe pills i called lifeline. they sent an ambulence to my house. my parents were angry. a police officer helped me in the back of the ambulence and made me feel better. the pills put me in a trancelike state. my body felt heavy and also like i was floating. i came home at 3am. everything is ok now
i am crying right now because of my mom. i was going to go to drive Pittsburgh with my grandma so we could pick up my aunt from the airport. but my mom cancelled my plans without even telling me and now i have to stay in pee house until saturday. im so sad and angry. im going on a hunger strike now and not leaving my room. i am so extremely angry you have no idea. this is the first time i've cried or felt like this at all since i've been out of school. i'm furious. and no, its not just my mommy saying i couldn't do something. this is the first real, vivid hate & sadness i've felt in MONTHS. the last time i cried was back in March when L and A were saying mean things about me when i was RIGHT directly in the desk in front of them. this rage feels so amazing. i missed this adrenaline. this thrill of plotting suicide in my school bathroom after someone kicked me just to look funny in front of their friends. those days in January where i'd listen to The Downward Spiral all day and write my suicide note. since i've been so drugged out i havent been like that in so long. when i feel depressed it ultimately turns to anger. i want everyone to feel as bad as i do. i want to take it out on everyone and be as dramatic and cause as much damage as i can. i do this through manipulation a lot. for instance, im not too mad about my mom cancelling my plans. however, the anger is still lingering in me and i need to get back at her to be satisfied. so, im currently hiding in my room to piss my mom off and i plan to do this until im not mad anymore.
i hate vince kentucky because he is mean to girls
today peegirl woke up wanted to kill myself wanted to make brownies but was out of eggs so watched Superbad with dad (who was passed out on the couch) and not even brush my teeth today
we finally found Lucky last night i am so happy he is home
my friend B who's older brother is a drug dealer and lives in my neighborhood is in Seattle for some reason so i guess no drugs for peegirl. Lucky is still missing. stray cat thinks we're his new owners apparently so he killed a baby rabbit and put it in our yard. i go outside a lot so i had to stare at it for a while. dad and i buried it under a tree. after dinner i walked around looking for my cat and thoughts of suicide started clouding my mind for no apparent reason. i walked to the top of this balcony of a vacant community center and looked down at my neighborhood. i pictured being brutally murdered and my rotting body being found under a tree in the park.
i spent a lot of time outside playing with my sister in her baby pool today. i started my prozac 40mg today. i had lows throughout the day but it was overall good. i hung out with my mom a lot. she helped me put this acne serum on my back and read Vogue together.
upset. one of my cat's has been missing since Wednsday i think fireworks freaked him out. he's so warm and big. my othr cat Frankie is all bony. i've had Lucky since i was 7 years old. a stray cat has been lurking around my house for about 3 months now and probably pissed Lucky off. stray cat is fucking skinny and bumpy and has it's tail ripped off. mom says we'll take stray cat in if we can't find Lucky. NO. he scared away my precious kitty cat. he will NEVER be nearly as good as Lucky. tomorrow's the fourth and i doubt i'm doing shit. dad and me were gonna get fireworks but prolly wont because THERES NO GODDAMN PRIVATE PLACE IN MORGANTOWN WE CAN SET THEM OFF IN. i don't know if i should even be celebrating this country, since its so racist and all or whatever the fuck. if america is so goddamn racist how come nearly every city in america is protesting for black lives matter????? what fucking ever. i feel so much white american guilt i wont even pretend to be some high and mighty free thinker. i'm a pussy whose too terrified to speak my own beliefs. unfollow my site. im a bad bad little girl. and im thinkin about killing myself again it might be cause i ran out of my 10mg prozac capsules. might ask to go on 40mg just because it's more convienient than 30. talked to some fucker a few days ago who told me that men dont love women. was really pissed. barely ever been interested in drugs or casual sex, i couldve done all that and been dead by now. i want to fall in love and have a husband and make babies. THATS IT. thats the only thing preventing my suicide. but men dont feel romantic feelings? fine. cocksuckers. ive never been good enough for boys. im always too pretty or too ugly. sorry i look like white Tyra Banks with cystic acne. i apoligize that i have huge milky tits but no ass, since you like slutty girls with giant asses right? im just gonna have to realize that im never gonna find a Johnny Utah because love isnt real. the only thing stopping me from slashing my throat right now is my online friends. us girls joke that we're gonna be a lesbian throuple and overdose on heroin together. thinking about actually doing morphine, i'm friends with a dude who can hook me up with oxycodone for free. i do live in West Virginia, so it's kind of my destiny.
this morning i put on my new dress that makes me look like tradwife wojak. i walked downtown to the library my mom works at. i put a knife in the belt of my dress on the walk downtown so i wouldn't get mugged or raped or killed. now im on the library's computer. neocities looks super cool squished onto this little monitor.
at last, i have returned from my grandma's house! now i can get back to sitting in my bed and watching strange youtube videos on a stolen laptop. i watched a lot of Little House on The Prairie at grandma's. i want to have a life like the Ingalls. i want to marry a man like Charles Ingalls and have children and live in rural West Virginia. while at my grandma's i helped her cook dinner every night. i played outside a lot because they live on a farm. today i was sitting in the grass and a doe came up to the gate and we looked at each other. i considered getting closer and trying to pet her, which i don't even know if you're supposed to do. but then i moved around too much and she ran. she was a beautiful deer.
this morning i woke up super motivated. i exercised while i listened to Christina Aguilera. then i ate greek yogurt for brekkie. i felt really good about myself. then i feel asleep unintentionally and woke up with a giant headache. my mom had came home from work and gotten cookies. i ate a bunch just because my blood sugar was low and i felt like it. i had pasta for dindin. i always have pasta just with salt and butter, SAUCE IS DISGUSTING. at the table my dad said he thought the second civil war was going to begin. i told him if it didbthat i was going to evaporate out of the matrix and go live with the aliens like in heavens gate. mom yelled at me.
i've had such low self confidence the past few weeks. i struggle with my eating habits and i'm very extreme with them. i feel fat and i have to wear a bikini at the beach in a month. to be honest i'm not that fat, if i just talked about this with my therapist some more i could probably resolve most of my body issues. but starving myself feels so amazing. i don't want to sound pro-anorexia "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" but anorexia always looks so glamorous to me and it's hard to get away from that. i always picture beautiful Regina George type girls having eating disorders so i guess i kind of want to be like them. and i have bad acne and dermatillomania which makes it even worse. i recently went on birth control for my skin and it works really well but i just ran out and won't be able to have it until next Sunday grrrr. my skin is already breaking out. i got a cystic pimple around my nose and it hurt so bad i got a headache and had to lay down. mom said she was planning on taking this computer back to her workplace this week. i did a bunch of chores so maybe she'd forget about it.
i am sooo obsessed with boyssss! a male friend of mine said i was hot and it made my heart go thump thump . i'm just constantly thinking about having a boyfriend and all the things we could do together. i'm so glad i'm not picky or anything about what men i find attractive, like i'll just see a guy with nice hair or a nice face in the grocery store and thump thump goes my heart! i made brownies earlier and smoked half a menthol cigarette i dug out of a garbage can. it was my first cigarette and i didn't know how to smoke it the right way so it only lasted 2 minutes and burned my finger.
my god i am so disgusting. after starving myself for 2 days i binge ate, probaby 2500 calories. i NEED to be 110 pounds before school starts or i am going to be so upset.
i am on a phone call withbmy best friends i have no other friends but these people are super cool even though some of them are nazis but its ok.
last night i had a very nice dream about keanu reeves.. my grandma bought me a mysery calico critter baby camping thing and i got a grey persian cat!! she came with a green blanket and a little sleeping bag case. i named her Kissy and i love her more than i've ever loved a toy before.
i'm at my grandma's for the week. we are planning on going on a smoothie detox tomorrow so we're going out for dinner 2nite and stuffing our faces. i hope i lose weight because i'm a shallow WHORE and obsessed with my apperance.
lately i've been channeling all of my anxiety into spontaneous actions, like walking into town and meeting with a friend. i woke up wanting to kill myself again today but eventually got up and moving and somehow got the courage and energy to message a girl a bit older than me, she lives in my town and we've met a few times at the library before. she was going to a protest so i asked her about it and i walked downtown, met up with her and joined the march. it felt good both physically and mentally. i don't know, i have this massive guilt constantly and its been even worse during everything happening right now. i felt a little less anxious during the march, just listening to what people say and being educated. but then i got home and looked at social media, seeing all the 'acab' going on. i don't know how i feel. i don't like that police officers are doing this. i don't want to think about it. and when i do i get extremely depressed. i feel naive for saying that, innocent people have been killed by the cops so a stupid little white girl wanting to die over it is really the least concern right now. i watched the matrix and realized i'd like to be 'debugged'. i'm asking my parents for a computer for my birthday in november, and then i'm going to replace my iphone with a nokia. cool, right? i'm gonna try to find a isolated lake in my grandparents' town that i can self baptize myself in.
i woke up this morning feeling really depressed and even a bit suicidal. so i texted a friend of mine B who isn't really my friend, he just goes to my school and lives close by so we hang out occasionaly. we walked downtown and got lunch from the dollar general and then ate it on a bench by the school, then we walked through the neighborhood i used to live in and i showed him the apartment i had my earliest memories in. it was cool but the walk home was brutal and my feet are blistered up.
today i went to the zoo with my parents, grandparents, and baby sister. we saw llamas, goats, monkeys, bears, wolves, leapords, tigers, lions, camels, and a giraffe. we had a good time and i went home with my parents. after dinner i showed my parents my site and they said it was cool.
i was just making brownies and thinking about how SUPERIOR the neocities community really is! like, any stupid person could create an instagram account and post some edgy shit without much effort. but we on here have to learn a skill just to change the text color! it's just nice knowing i'm part of something so..intelligent? so unique? just something most people don't know how to do. since the dissolvedgirl tradgedy of last april a lot of people from the 'TCC', or True Crime Community, have gravitated to neocities to make personal websites like Sol had. i guess that's nice because neocities is a pretty protected environment where it would be hard for people to send hate comments or whatever. i have witnessed the twitter and tumblr TCC and have seen how harsh some people can be towards others. on the other hand i feel bad for people on neocities who've been here before the dissolvedgirl situation that now have to watch TCC members roll in, "columbiners', 'murder simps', 'delusional freaks', whatever you wanna call them. i'm really not one to talk because i seriously just distanced myself from the TCC a week ago to work on my mental health, but it's overall a concerning 'fandom'. a lot of my TCC friends i met through twitter follow me on here and i really mean no offence to you guys, but it's really just kind of a suicide fanclub. everyone in it is mentally ill of course, then they all just join together and talk about death, killing, everything of the sort, and to make it all even worse there's people saying you should be bullied for it. don't get me wrong, i like to study true crime, i still crush on Andre Kriegman from the movie Zero Day which is based off of columbine, but i couldn't handle the community anymore. i valued my sanity over homicidal white boys from the 90s. anyways, my head hurts from looking at a screen so i'm logging off.
when i woke up this morning i thought i was going to throw up so i forced myself out of bed and made a cup of ginger tea then i drank it in bed. i couldn't get back to sleep and was still nauseas so i got up and had crackers for breakfast and felt better. it is funny how i got 'morning sickness' like a pregnant lady though but i am not pregnant unless i was abducted by aliens who put a baby in me and then wiped my memory haha. i went shopping with grandma and bought a pretty lipstick and a mystery calico critter baby i told myself i will open it after i do everything on my to-do list. my grandma just walked over to see me coding becuz she thinks it's cool and she saw bad words on the screen. i am humiliated.
i am upset. i feel like there is some inhuman force holding me back from.. well i don't know exactly. something holding me back from everyone else. every day i contemplate whether i am at the top of this world, godlike even, or if i'm at the very bottom with all the dirt and PISS and shit. but then i realize i'm just an average person that has bad luck making friends. last night i dreamt i was with a girl . it was comforting.
today was alright. my mom and i went out and bought flowers. now i am listening to genitortures, which is a band i hadn't heard of until 10 minutes ago but i am listening to their 'flesh is the law' album currently and it's like a mix of kmfdm and manson, pretty nice. i'm doing this from my mom's work computer since i didn't go to my grandma's (i usually use her computer.) i am having fun.